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| october 06 1999 | he makes me smile
i'm afraid i'll hurt him i think i trust him i'll try to push him away i hope i don't succeed i usually succeed i probably love him if i was sure what love was i wish I was there with him now forever i'm afraid to leave here i'm afriad to stay i believe he's sincere what if he isn't i believe he loves me what if he doesn't i don't think he will hurt me what if he does in so many different ways the hurt could come i know him so deeply he is a stranger to me i have shown him all i am there are parts that i can't show he wants to marry me i fear i will not be strong enough for him alone i want to be his...alone i feel the weakness inside me i want to trust believe have faith that good is possible or will i be the me i am have been legacy of birth in my eyes he is perfect in my eyes i am a child afraid in my heart he keeps me warm in my head the fear of the unknown chills bitter he is my sunshine will he in the end be my darkness? |
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| october 11 1999 | he
is the one i can see my future with and yet i push away so hard so strong upset torment anger fear tears come so quickly in terror hatred ...hatred of what... of him me weakness... easier this way it is always easier this way to push away and stay so far away from letting in to me for any time that passes as i huddle in my isolation cold and lonely wishing for salvation kicking screaming i create the monsters that would chase away that which i crave so badly need so desperate... he is was a friend of mine from so many times past now a friend so treasured
dear that i went to visit as the summer grew in warmth so that he might
show me his world enchanted ancient magical. And in that summers night
we touched and held so close gave way to passion ignorant in times to come...
innocent how could we know how could i know that such care caress would
bring all we had built to crumble with lust
he was is my obsession which can never truly leave writes stories to me for me taunting hurtful needed cherished stories my last link to him the him i knew that may be real the him that i would have given life for him that i may have given soul for him that i have never seen except in dreams so deep where viruses won't penetrate and destroy all that would have might have been if he is all that he was to me that he is still all he was to me... destructive pure abandon... and i could count them one by one...
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| october 13 1999 | dance of the dead
one thirty as the wind sighs
one forty as the wind moans
one fifty as the wind cries
two am
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| october 17 1999 | body quivers
you're not there tonight i ache
tremble need for touch your touch any touch to fill this void this sweating
primal deviance
but you're not there |
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| october 18 1999 | late nights in waiting wanting wishing elsewhere i was elsewhere i could be so i could have so there could be more time to spend more time this day these minutes tick away so fast from me so fast you tick away from me more time in voice in words so loud i scream more time in tiny tremors rage more time and yet you fade from me with thoughts and mouth so warm so hot leave afterburn upon my flesh as all my sweating shaking skin reveals desire not in sinful pain abandon all that i have known will know could know if i could from you if you could see the gifts you offer faded grey all beauty gone burnt whithered dead as still my voice parched ragged begs more time |
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