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| may 19 1999 | strength in revelation....strength in laying soul bare for everyone,
anyone to read and ponder and forget. strength in weakness... of
allowing ...encouraging glimpses of struggling stumbling funbling searching
for.....for what? don't know haven't decided yet.
This...completes the circle...circle of madness...journals of madness...my friends, I treasure each word, passionate, mundane, angry, heartbreaking cherished. this ...was necessary for me to write again... without fear of reprisals from professional published poet boyfriends on government grants writing obscure ancient poetry... this...is who I am. so many years gone by...1984...I was given a bright orange book...and I began to write... for 15 years...and many notebooks later here I am still writing, pixels now. A shame though, for my handwriting used to change so much depending upon mood or level of alteration, perhaps a font shift would suffice...the old...will intersperse with the new from time to time when whim sees fit...amusement...remembrance...exorcism... don't know haven't decided yet... |
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| may 20 1999 | fear love apathy...triad of consequence, triad of emotion..all else
is just....variant hybreds of one two three. I grew today...as a
person, soul within. grew because people let me face fear, one person
knew it, one didn't. I love them both for it. Stood naked and
let them see me as me... neither turned away. and I grow to believe
maybe I can overcome....this fear. Visuals will
come soon I think, raw and real and shameless. I can write it soon...I
think.
he called...I am smitten (quaint old fashioned am I). Will face to face...mere days now...be any different...will fear destroy break down disintigrate the ....other side? don't want to break down that side... don't want to break down that side..with anyone...including me. too long finding lost little bitty slivers I left behind tossed away splintered trampled hidden by ghosts...rebuilding now...and I will find all the pieces one day. friends keep finding returning them to me...rebuilding. |
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| may 21 1999 | she vented to thom during a brief reprieve....
god damn poetical eccentric boyfriends looking over my shoulder invading my world.... he...returns old ghosts to me
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| may 22 1999 | worried...about so many. powerless to make things better, need
to write need to write them all and try but I don't know what to say to
make things better. We are all so interconnected, I feel when they
crash, do they even know that I wonder, that I feel the turmoil as real.
Probably not. powerless to stop your hurt but here to hold on.
Today he shared with me, the one who sees beyond so many realities. I believe him, in his vision, I believe him in his truth. He needs to remember to laugh more, even with his task at hand. To enjoy the fact that people care, and that people will share their very last oreo with him if he asked. If he would ever ask. Besmitten still...more phone calls...time ticks slowly, quickly, far too slowly. 10 days now and I fear reactions, wether reassurances will hold true, wether I am...acceptible. and if so..what then... hurdles I cannot cross alone, that he must topple with me, others I can only stand watching while he decides to jump or not... time ticks slowly, too quickly. few who know me in "real life" will ever read what I write. I showed another the other day. I knew things would never be the same again after I reveal. can never stay becasue who they know and who you know..different overlapping intermingled shadows of each other. but i trust him enough to show, as much as we view with different eyes. for better or worse who is to say, but this always makes things different. tick tock...I need to write.. |
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