And although
they'll never fathom it,
behind my sarcasms
desperate memories lie.
~ Pink Floyd
And although
they'll never fathom it,
behind my sarcasms
desperate memories lie.
~ Pink Floyd
 She
was an odd sort of girl really. Many would have called her the teachers
pet, especially in light of her high grades and eagerness to please, never
being rude to teachers, always quick with an answer. People saw her...coming
and going... involved in her many groups...her many causes, always something...public
speaking, drama, youth advocacy...deep things...lofty ideals....that was
pam. While the rest of the teenagers were battling pimples and discovering
the complications of sex, she lived as an pseudo-adult...clear skinned
and serious.
But alone in her room in the evenings....where she could be who she was, without the worry of living up to what everyone wanted her to be, she would escape to her world of thought, of books and music and imagination. She read voraciously, read things no young teenager should be reading... Harold Robbins, Tolkien, Peter Straub..books that a young mind could barely comprehend, ideas that challenged her and made her thoughts reach further. No one ever understood her music...only on rare occasions were the names even familiar to her classmates. Bruce Cockburn, Tanita Tickarem....and these things set her apart... made her different... made her an oddity. In a micro-cosm of people all trying to be the same, to fit in... she never quite did. She tried, in her own way, she tried. She tried to be friendly to all who talked with her, tried to be a good person, tried to be nice and fun and caring and helpful. Sometimes people noticed... sometimes she was included, and it was those times that made it all bearable. If she closed her eyes she could picture it now...the young girl on prom night...in her dark pink and silver prom dress...walking into the gymnasium..alone. Watching as all the couples walked by, looking so happy. She wished just for one night she could be one of them, could know what it was like to have someone by her side, to feel wanted..to feel the acceptance. She remembers as they all gathered around to find out who would be the prom queen...and her two runners up.....how she watched and waited with a sad smile for the emcee to call the names of those that would be honoured..how, when her name was called as a second runner up she was so confused, so completely perplexed that someone had to giver her a little push to move, lest she had heard it wrong... if she closed her eyes tightly and let her mind drift, she could still see that girl now.... radiant in her pink and silver floor length satin prom dress with the big ugly bow on the back accepting her flowers and turning to face her class... worthy. (oct 1998) |
